Revelations Quest Psychology

A lot of us think we actually have a relationship with ourselves. Only to find out that it is superficial. Now you might ask yourself: “What constitutes an authentic relationship with self?” and “What does a superficial relationship with self look like?”. Perhaps you might even ask if it even matters. The truth is, it does matter. The type of relationship you have with yourself is very important and how you relate with others might give an idea of how you actually feel about yourself or what you think of yourself.

It is disheartening to hear people say “I do not really know you” when it has felt like you have been vulnerable with others. But people can sense when one is being genuine and when one is guarded or superficial. For most people, being guarded is out of fear because one does not want get hurt; so one would rather not let people in too deeply. It puts them at risk. One way of being superficial in relationships, even though it does not feel like it, is when one always chooses to focus on the other person; instead of allowing the interaction or relationship to be a reciprocal flow of interest, support and vulnerability. Being superficial in one’s external/interpersonal relationships, could be an indication that one is superficial internally, intrapersonally; with self.

Yes, relationships with others can be quite fulfilling, but they cannot be the only space we get validation, acceptance and acknowledgement. We need to be able to get that from ourselves first. What happens when we lose those people?

We tend to disregard the fact the the most important relationship any person can go into, have and maintain, knowingly or unknowingly, is with self. This is because other relationships, either with friends, family, partners, colleagues, etc, are only temporary. In addition, these other types of relationships are informed by the kind of relationship one has with self. The other relationships usually end; eventually, while the relationship with self is infinite; well, at least for as long as one is breathing. But the other ones do end at some point, it could happen physically through death or distance, or emotionally through emotional cut-off and no longer feeling like one’s needs are being met. Inevitably, we are stuck with ourselves from the time we are born to the time we leave the earth. The dynamics of our relationships with self are what might change, but the relationship with self does not end. This is a reality or fact that tends to be overlooked.

We always tend to look outward for fulfilment, validation and rewards. Why do we always have to look for other things and/or other people to be the ones who make us feel happy, good, and all things positive?! Is it because we are conditioned that way as children? Are we stuck in the hurt that we experienced as children when our parents would not give us the validation we needed? Maybe. Our childhood experiences, good or bad, play a major role in how we eventually learn to engage and connect with the world and all its contents. Yes, human beings are social beings and we need interaction to remain “sane” but to what end? How do we know at what rate or level we are to stop, step back or pause, or even throttle through it?

What I am trying to drive through here is this: We cannot continue to search for validation and acknowledgement from others when we fail to do that for ourselves. We cannot always pay attention to what our significant others love, need, want, enjoy, if we do not even know those things about ourselves. When this happens continuously, the end result is a disconnect/an estranged relationship with self. Living a life unfulfilled because we do not know what fuels us and what depletes us. Merely existing. Floating. Surviving. Some would even say, you would have dissociated.

We should be able to be so in tune with ourselves that we are comfortable in our own skin. We live in our skin forever and need to embrace that. In all states and seasons. Perhaps, take the time to figure out if you really know who you are and what you stand for. Figure out if you feel like you are living a genuine life with self or if you are rather living for other people’s perception of you. Living according to people’s expectations or standards.

Your needs, wants, thoughts, feelings and everything else, are just as important as everyone else’s. If you do not take responsibility and advocate for yourself, you cannot be resentful when others are choosing to do that for themselves, and sometimes, not considering your own.