Revelations Quest Psychology

written by Thato L Nchoe-Giliana (Clinical Psychologist)

All of us have been in relationships that have felt 1-sided. We might have felt like we were the only ones putting in the effort, or more present. It might have gotten to a point where it felt like we are depleted and have nothing else to give. But does it also not brew some resentment towards self, or that other person? We know when the dynamics of a relationship are healthy for us and when they are not. We might justify, or choose to ignore the signs, but we know. 

Let us have a look at relationship dynamics. What do I mean by that? I mean the patterns, roles, needs and expectations, as well as boundaries and communication. All very important in a meaningful relationship.

Importance of Relationships:

All relationships serve a particular function/purpose. Relationships solely exist for the self. It might sound like it is very selfish, but it is true. They are meant to meet a need. Innately, relationships are meant to give us a sense of belonging, which does wonders for one’s wellbeing. That is where we get affection, love and support. It helps us feel less alone. Additionally, that is where we learn about ourselves. With that being said, relationships can be really fulfilling, especially if the dynamics are healthy. 

When a relationship does not feel fulfilling, what is usually the problem? One’s needs or expectations are not gratified, causing tension/conflict. It could even result in the relationship ending. This is not ideal if the relationship, or person, is important to us. So, we would have to try figure things out. 

Scenario:

We all know people who only call you when they need something from you. This could be friends or family. With professional relationships, it’s expected because roles and expectations are clearly defined. Everyone knows how they need to operate or act.  

But let’s say you have a friend or a parent/family member, who never just calls to check up on you. When they call, it sounds like they are checking up on you because that is how the conversation starts. But towards the end, when pleasantries are done, you hear “ooooh by the way…” or “urgh I have been going through so much, you won’t believe…” Then you know there is a “favour” or an “ask”/request on the way.

And this might be someone you have not even spoken to as often, or in a very long time. How do you respond to that? Do you have boundaries in place? If you do help, do you know and understand why you are choosing to do so, even if you might feel disrespected or used? 

Also, another thing to think about, is that that might be how your relationship with that person might be defined moving forward. They now know you are capable of meeting their need(s). So, coming back again with another request might become easier.

Relationship Dynamics:

Remember, relationships develop because of patterns, and patterns start with one engagement/behaviour. We get used to the dynamics of our relationships because of how things have happened a number of times. If you are always available to help, that is going to be your role in the relationship. You did not ask for it, but you would have placed yourself there. 

These dynamics are normalised, especially with family, and usually unsaid, as there is an expectation due to the type of relationship. These dynamics are not healthy, especially if there isn’t a mutual understanding and acceptance of the dynamics. 

I know we can be known for playing a specific role in people’s lives, but when it starts feeling one-sided or when we do not know when to pause/stop playing that role, it can do something to the relationship we have with ourselves. Imagine being angry at yourself or feeling guilty because you find yourself being stuck playing the “helper” or “therapist” role for someone, and they do not even pour back into you. That is unfortunate.

Roles, Needs and Expectations:

Roles, needs and expectations need to be clear. People are not mind-readers, so they are not always going to know what you need or expect from them, or how far they can go with you. It’s YOUR responsibility to inform them. Relationships work so much better when we know how the parts connect. Where necessary, boundaries can be very helpful, for all involved. 

Boundaries:

When I say “boundaries”, what kind of relationships come to mind? Romantic? Professional? Acquaintances? 

I imagine those are the types of relationships that come to mind. That would mean, we hardly think of applying any boundaries in our familial or platonic relationships. Most people think boundaries are there to keep people out of their lives. For this reason, they do not apply them because they do not want to lose the people in their lives that they deem significant. 

In actual fact, boundaries are there to help make the connection better and meaningful. Most importantly, respectful. Meaningful in what way? People will know how to engage and relate to you, in a considerate and respectful manner. That makes the relationship so much better. It does not become one-sided, provided both parties are aware of the others’ boundaries. 

Communication:

So communicate! If the boundaries you have set, and communicated to your loved ones do not work or are not help in high regard, there are other ways of communication. All behaviour is communication. Even goin silent, or creating some distance, is a communication. Changing your way of communicating does challenge the dynamics of the relationship, and may help reinforce those boundaries. If you have to deny these people access to you, for your mental health, I say do it. It might push the other person(s) towards reflection and introspection. Hopefully for the better. 

Communicating your boundaries/challenging the dynamics of the relationship can come with feelings of guilt, and maybe rejection from the other person(s), but the feeling you get from standing for self/staying true to self, and redefining dynamics in a healthy way? Priceless! The relationship needs to serve a purpose for you, firstly, and then the other. That way, you will be able to see when it is healthy for you or not. 

So, reflect on your significant relationships:

1. Do you know the purpose of that relationship?
2. Are you aware of the roles each of you play in the relationship? And how do you feel about these roles?
3. What are your needs and expectations in the relationship? Are they being met? Are you meeting their needs and expectations?
4. How often do you do a relationship audit (an honest check-in on how the relationship is doing/functioning, and impacting all involved)? 
5. Is communication normalised in this relationship? Why/Why not?
6. What kind of relationship would you like to have with this person? What would you need to get there?

Think about these things and try make changes accordingly. Go to therapy to unpack them further if need be. But you need to start putting yourself first. It makes connecting with others much more meaningful and authentic. 

I hope this was insightful.