Revelations Quest Psychology

written by Thato Nchoe-Giliana (Clinical Psychologist)

Triangulation is the process of adding a third-party into a dyadic or two-person relationship as a way of dealing with stress, diverting attention, or reducing tension. 

It is a strategy or coping mechanism that we all might be guilty of, whether we are aware of it all. It can feel helpful, but it can also cause a lot of problems, for ALL parties involved! 

Let’s use this time to reflect and see how it might be best to navigate relationships as the one in a stressful relationship, and as the possible third-party of the relationship. 

I will start off by saying that relationships can be difficult. They are beautiful and necessary, but can be really difficult. Especially if our needs and expectations are no longer being met. During this time, we often yearn for, or need, a lot of support from our loved/trusted ones, which could include friends, family, professionals, spiritual leaders and so on. 

There is nothing wrong with seeking emotional support, or sharing with your trusted individuals what you are struggling with. If anything, I encourage it. The only concern I might have, is if boundaries might not be clear. 

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes when we share woes with our trusted ones, we either want them to automatically take our side and do something about our issues, and/or they will voluntarily do so, without trying to approach the situation objectively and consider what their role or position is in the relationship might be. Remember, we typically just share our experience/from our perspective alone, which paints a one-sided picture.

Example

Typically, when sharing with a friend what is happening, the friend’s perspective of the relationship will change, and that of the perceived “troublesome person” (or partner) in the relationship. Therefore, the friend’s behaviour towards, or treatment of, that other person (or partner) might change, negatively that is! Now, every time one finds themselves in the same space as this person, they feel the need to make comments, be disrespectful, confront them, disregard them, or even encourage their loved ones to end the relationship. Highlighting that they cannot separate themselves from the relationship.

This is a perfect example of what triangulation can look like. Where the trusted individual is now part of the two-person relationship.

Interesting fact: Infidelity can also be classified under triangulation. It is also important to note that the trusted individual, or third-party, is not always a person. It can also be alcohol, work, events, etc. Just anything that keeps the person from addressing the stressor, tension or discomfort in the relationship. 

Why triangulation might be/feel helpful: 

• It helps reduce tension and anxiety, because you feel like you have offloaded, can pretend the problem does not exist, and/or you feel like someone gets it. 
• It also give you the illusion of some control. By bringing in the third-party, you can exert more influence over the entire situation; you get to drive the narrative. 
• It helps you avoid uncomfortable conversations/decisions that would need you to be vulnerable. It’s an easier escape, especially if you can play victim. 

But all of these positive effects of triangulation are short-term in nature.

Consequences of Triangulation:

• Triangulation can create an environment of distrust, and resentment. This is because the problems/experiences that were only meant for the primary people in the relationship are not longer “sacred”. Sensitive details might no longer be treated as such; emphasising a boundary issue. This could leave the other half of the relationship feeling : “I cannot trust you with our relationship. I cannot trust that you can protect it, or me”. 
• The third-party can end up feeling lost, manipulated or used, especially if they have picked sides. This typically happens when the couple has now reduced the tension and reconciled, leaving the 3rd-party confused, not knowing how to navigate the relationship. Remember, they were brought into the relationship, with the 2-against-1 dynamic. So what is their role now that there is reconciliation? What do they do with the unpleasant feelings? Are they also meant to reconcile?
• Triangulating long enough gives the impression that problems in relationships should be addressed in this way at all times, which highlights the unhealthy dynamics in the relationship to begin with. If a couple, or the 2 people in a relationship, are not able to be vulnerable and communicate clearly with one another, it highlights that there might be a number of problems in the relationship, such as miscommunication, distrust, power dynamic and control issues, lack of vulnerability/emotional intimacy, etc. 

So, before thinking of triangulation, or even being triangulated, encourage:

• Open and clear communication between the people in relationships
• Boundaries in, and around, the relationship
• Seeking professional help from someone who can be neutral (e.g. psychologist, social worker, spiritual leader, etc.) 

Let me leave you with these reflective questions: 

As the triangulated one:

• How do you typically find yourself triangulated into other people’s relationships?
• How does it feel being triangulated? 
• What does triangulation do for you? How does it serve you? 
• Where does triangulation typically leave you, emotionally? How do you think it should be handled moving forward? 

As the triangulator:

• What is the reason you decide to triangulate someone? 
• How does triangulation serve you, especially emotionally? 
• How does triangulation help your relationship flourish?
• How can triangulation be implemented in a way that helps the relationship grow?