Revelations Quest Psychology

Popular psychology (pop psychology) has a wonderful way of educating the general people about psychological concepts and mental health. It leaves people feeling empowered as the information gathered or learned helps one feel like they understand themselves and/or those around them better. Nonetheless, there is a tendency to focus on spreading a particular narrative, that at times, can perpetuate the lack of self-reflection and always look externally to blame and label others, without taking accountability for one’s own behaviour, or even offering empathy to the next person.

The focus of this article is to look at the other side of the “silent treatment”. Silent treatment is something that is openly known as a manipulation tactic in relationships, which can cause a lot of distress for the one experiencing it. So, we do not dispute that it can be emotionally abusive. However, have we taken the time to try understand the possible psychological process of the “perpetrator”?

Silent Treatment:
Silent treatment is the act of withholding communication from someone. The act can be intentional or unintentional.

This type of behaviour can be seem as manipulative as the goal of withdrawing and withholding communication is to achieve a particular goal in the relationship dynamics. For instance, some stop communicating and ignoring the other person as a from of punishment, as a way to gain control over, or to evoke feelings of shame in, the other. This speaks to power dynamics. For one to exert dominance over the other, they will make them feel like they have no control over the situation, which in turn makes them feel powerless and might make them question their value/worth.

In some situations, communication is withheld as a way of coping with the overwhelming/unpleasant feelings during the conflict/disagreement. This is what we call Stonewalling.

Stonewalling:
Stonewalling is the act of deliberately withholding information, avoiding eye contact, or shutting down communication in a conversation or argument to avoid conflict or emotional discomfort.

Silent treatment and stonewalling are very similar in that they are both about one withholding communication and disengaging. The part that might help differentiate between the two passive-aggressive behaviours or communication tactics, is that stonewalling is not done to exert dominance over the other. A lot of people use stonewalling as a way of coping with uncomfortable situations as they do not know how to navigate the uncomfortable situation and/or feelings. They might struggle with standing up for themselves, or expressing themselves clearly, typically out of the fear that the other will not be able to receive what they are communicating.

As much as the intention of withholding communication in stonewalling might be out of “pure” intentions to not escalate the situation, the effect on the other person can still be very unpleasant, and can feel abusive. It can feel like one is withholding communication because they want the other to respond or behave in a particular way that they desire.

Effects of Withholding Communication in Relationships:

On the Individual:

• Loneliness and isolation
• Feelings of rejection
• Increased stress
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Not being able to trust self and their feelings

On the Relationship:

• Reduced connection/intimacy
• Lack of understanding
• Avoidance of conflict resolution (Unresolved issues)
• Build-up of resentment
• Erosion of trust
• Difficulty of repairing damage

So, yes. Silent treatment can be used as a tool to manipulate. But it can also be due to an individual not feeling safe enough (emotionally/physically) to engage with the other further. Nonetheless, they both highlight a lack of healthy communication skills, as they both can perpetuate unhealthy relationship dynamics. They both have a short-term effect of avoiding conflict.

So, it is important for one to understand why they tend to withdraw communication in relationships so that the root cause can be addressed and one is equipped with healthy tools to communicate better in relationships.

Reflective Questions:

1. Why do you tend to withdraw, and withhold communication in relationships?
2. In what kind of situations do you tend to disengage?
3. How do you typically feel during the period of disengagement?
4. What are the thoughts you tend to have during the period of disengagement?
5. When was the first time, or few times, you felt like silent treatment works for you? How so?
6. How has the silent treatment impacted the other person, as well as the relationship?
7. What could help both parties in the relationship feel safe enough to communicate openly? Are you willing to do that?