Revelations Quest Psychology

Those who have heard about psychotherapy, but do not entirely understand the process, will tell you that they do not want to go for psychotherapy because they will be told that they “need to forgive themselves and that is so stupid”. They do not understand why they would have to forgive themselves. For what? What did they do to themselves? Right?!

Looking at these types of responses tells me that the individual might have a superficial relationship with self. They do not spend enough time to reflect on their lives, behaviours and/or decisions that they have made, as well as how these might have impacted them holistically; no matter how minute. When one does reflect/intimately introspects, their contribution to the state that they find themselves in would be clear, and that is where one would need to take responsibility and accountability towards self. If the results/after-effects did not benefit them in anyway, or caused harm to them in anyway, they need to be able to forgive themselves and/or give themselves grace for their part in that; their part in sabotaging self, in failing self, in not listening to themselves (i.e. their instinct), etc. Only the ones able to be vulnerable with self will be able to do that.

Self-Forgiveness:

Self-forgiveness is a process of accepting past mistakes and releasing negative emotions, such as guilt and shame, to promote healing and personal growth.

It involves acknowledging your actions, understanding the context, and practicing self-compassion. Forgiving yourself allows you to move forward, learn from your experiences, and cultivate a more positive self-image. 

How Not Forgiving Self Can Stunt Progress/Healing:

A lot of the times, we do not take time to sit and think about how the inability to forgive ourselves can be detrimental to us. Habouring a lot of heartache and judgment towards ourselves cannot be healthy. These are the possible effects of not forgiving self:

• Instills a fear of “failing” again (low self-esteem)
• Not being able to trust self (negative perception of self)
• Feeling the need to punish/criticise self (increased feelings of guilt and shame)
• Being scared to try new things due to fear of “failure” (self-sabotage)

All of the above, when left unresolved, they have a way of manifesting in relationships and day-to-day life. Meaning, the life you live, and how you show up on a daily basis could end up being unhealthy. You could end up standing in your own way of progressing, growing and healing.

Steps to Practice Self-Forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge Your Mistakes: Face your errors honestly and without judgment. 
2. Understand the Context: Reflect on the circumstances and factors that contributed to your actions. 
3. Take Responsibility: Own your mistakes and their consequences without making excuses. 
4. Show Yourself Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. 
5. Learn from Your Mistakes: Identify the lessons you can take away and use them to make better choices in the future. 
6. Release the Burden: Let go of guilt and shame, allowing yourself to move forward with a renewed sense of hope. 
7. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind and understanding towards yourself, recognising that you are a work in progress. 
8. Consider Professional Help: If you struggle with self-forgiveness, consider seeking guidance from a psychotherapist. 

You need to remember that you made the decision(s) that you made, or acted in the way that you did, based on the information you were presented with at the time, the experience you were having at the time, the hopes you had, and/or your understanding of what was going on at the time. You did not know any better. You cannot foretell the future, so you did not know that things would turn out the way that they did. And for that, give yourself grace. Now you know, and will choose to do better. You cannot continue to punish yourself for something that has happened and cannot be salvaged. Continue to live!

-Thato Nchoe-Giliana (Clinical Psychologist)

Benefits of Self-Forgiveness: 

1. Reduced Anxiety and Depression: Self-forgiveness can alleviate feelings of guilt and shame, leading to lower levels of anxiety and depression. 
2. Improved Mental Well-being: Forgiving yourself promotes a more positive self-image and enhances your overall mental health. 
3. Healthier Relationships: Self-forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships with yourself and others as you cultivate empathy and compassion. 
4. Personal Growth: Forgiveness allows you to learn from your mistakes and grow as a person, moving forward with a renewed sense of purpose. 

Forgiving yourself is your way of showing yourself that you hold your feelings, thoughts and experiences in high regard. You were able to consider and understand why you did what you did, and acknowledge what you could have done better for future reference.

Thato Nchoe-Giliana (Clinical Psychologist)

Forgive Yourself! What Have You Got To Lose?!